How To Talk So Kids Will Listen: The Second Tip Is Abracadabra
February 29, 2008
The Mentorship Approach With Kids & Teens
How do we get our kids to do what they’re supposed to do? Most of us grew up with basic chores, homework, and house rules. It all seems perfectly logical to us as adults. But our kids don’t seem to agree!
When simple directions don’t work, some parents command or even threaten. Others bargain, bribe, and plead. But not much happens. I was skeptical when I learned Faber and Mazlish’s techniques for engaging cooperation. But when I tried them they worked—like magic.
Chapter 2 of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk is titled “Engaging Cooperation.” Skeptics may think they’ll find sticker charts here, or escalating warnings with escalating consequences. I think they’ll be intrigued.
In their uniquely engaging way, Faber and Mazlish review the ways lots of us parents try to get our children to do things. They give scenarios of parents lecturing, commanding, comparing children’s behavior to others, playing the martyr, and many other approaches that send a shudder of self-realization through all of us. Most meaningfully, they help us see those experiences from the child’s point of view.
Instead of those ineffective techniques, they offer voodoo. At least, that’s what I thought it was at first. How in the world is that going to work? But their suggestions do work.
They sound so simple it seems they shouldn’t work. One technique is to describe the situation you see. “John, your dirty clothes are piled in that corner and your clean clothes are falling off your dresser. Your bedspread is in the closet and I can’t even see your pillows. I can’t step any further into the room without stepping on your toys on the floor.” Facts are irrefutable! Lots of children will understand and start putting things away. Some won’t. They’ll take it to the next level.
And with this chapter you’ll be ready. “Clean clothes belong in the closet and the dresser. Dirty clothes belong in the hamper. Toys go on the shelf when you’re not playing with them.” More facts with clear expectations.
Will your child still resist? There is another level. “When I see your room in such a mess, I feel disappointed and frustrated. I expect you to take good care of your things. From now on, you can keep the things you take good care of, and we’ll put away the rest until you’re ready to handle them.” Your child may need to see you follow through on taking away the things left out before he or she believes you, but it will work.
With their many examples and scenarios it’s easy to figure out how to apply these techniques to your own situations. They include some other fun and even playful ways to get children to take responsibility and manage their belongings and chores well on a regular basis.
You’ll find yourself thinking, “I want to believe this will work. I really do!” And it will. Like magic.
Posted in The Mentorship Approach With Kids & Teens, Zine 5: February 2008
