How To Talk So Kids Will Listen: They’re Not Obeying; What Now?

March 26, 2008

The Mentorship Approach With Kids & Teens

You gave the first idea from How To Talk a try. You focused carefully on acknowledging your child’s feelings. You learned more about your child’s world, maybe you defused a couple of situations that were headed for tantrums or arguments, and you deepened your connection with your child. You felt great!

Then you tried the ways to engage cooperation. You described what you saw, you told your child what you expected, and you learned to summarize it all with a word – “Laundry!”

But there are still things you’re child won’t do, or things he or she keeps doing that aren’t allowed. What now?

Chapter 3 of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk is titled “Alternatives to Punishment.” Don’t worry! This doesn’t mean, “Let them do whatever they want.” It means, “Teach personal responsibility.”

It’s a process that seems pretty straightforward, but it’s hard to implement when we’re in the habit of threatening or yelling or imposing restrictions. The good news – you still get to let ‘em know you’re mad.

But instead of going out of control yelling or criticizing, Faber and Mazlish ask us to be specific. “I’ve told you the rule about your shoes. Take them off before you walk on the carpet so it doesn’t get muddy. It’s covered with muddy shoeprints. I’m really upset about that!”

We’re still using description, but instead of describing a situation that needs cooperation, such as finishing a chore, we’re describing a problem the child has made. And we’re showing how it’s affecting other people. That’s part of teaching empathy.

Another level of the process is showing your child how to make amends, how to fix the problem. You can tell her, “The bucket and cleaning rags are in the laundry room. You have to clean up the wet mud with a damp rag, then spray on the carpet cleaner and follow the directions. The carpet cleaner is under the sink.”

For recurring situations, even after logical consequences are used, you can get more strict. “I’m storing your play shoes in the garage. You put them on and take them off out there. That way they won’t come in the house.”

One of their best recommendations in this chapter underscores the respect and investment in character development that makes Dr. Ginott’s approach stand out. When you’re baffled because what you’re trying isn’t working to enforce the rules, they recommend sitting down and brainstorming with your child. You’re identifying the situation as a problem, making it clear your child owns the responsibility for solving the problem, and helping come up with some different ideas to try. Your child decides which approach will work best and makes a commitment to do it.

This is sensible. This is doable. It’s so simple you’ll think there has to be a lot more to consequences that work. But there really isn’t, except in situations that are so severe they merit professional help. Even then, the professional defuses the immediate frustration and teaches you to use techniques like these to correct and shape and guide your child’s behavior towards compliance and obedience.

Natural and logical consequences teach our children a lot more than punishment does.

Posted in The Mentorship Approach With Kids & Teens, Zine 6: March 2008