Our Children Are Following—Where Are We Leading?

October 29, 2007

The Mentorship Approach With Kids & Teens

Adapted from an article written for the Highland Meadow Montessori Academy Newsletter

I work as a volunteer child advocate with CASA of Tarrant County and have a fantastic supervisor named Charlotte Smith. Last month she received a community service award from the Tarrant County Black Bar Association. I was proud for her, but not at all surprised, because she is warm and friendly and persistent. Charlotte was surprised. She told me now that she realized people were watching, she was going to be careful what she did! I had to laugh. She found out she was being noticed when she was given an award for doing great things, but she felt self-conscious and was worried she better be more mindful about her behavior.

Charlotte and I talk about being parents sometimes, and her reaction reminded me: Our children notice what we say and do. They don’t just see a little bit once in a while. They see what we do well and what we do on purpose, but they also see our shortcomings, the times we give in, and the times we respond with frustration or hostility. Parenting is long, slow, cumulative work. It’s consistently our job, even when we aren’t being consistent. We are training our children at all times. Even without realizing it, we teach them how to treat other people, how to get what they want and avoid what they don’t want, and how to make choices between different priorities. Yikes!

As parents we want to encourage self-sufficiency, nurture good habits, build up self-confidence, and cultivate strong character based on principles and deep values. Lectures and occasional “crackdowns” on behavior don’t accomplish this. We nurture these attitudes and habits a drop at a time over many years. For example, I want my children to understand that other people aren’t obligated to give them what they want, or even to give them help. People often want to help and are willing, but they want others to respect their freedom to decide and to acknowledge their cooperation.

I want my sons to see even small favors as a gift that deserves a little gratitude. Giving reminders about using their manners as they head out the door won’t be enough to instill a spirit of gratitude. A sticker chart might get them to use polite words, but it won’t teach the value of gratitude. I have to make it my goal and find opportunities to teach and train. For example, I will be sure to use “please” and “thank you” with simple requests of them. I tell them how the favor specifically helps me. When they ask for help with something I make sure I hear “please,” especially when they’re talking to each other. If I don’t hear “thank you” between brothers, I comment that one went out of his way to help the other. This prompts a “thank you” and a specific statement of appreciation. It’s then that I see the spirit of gratitude and cooperation coming through.

This approach applies to most habits that define maturity and character. Children can learn to avoid chores and complain about them, or they can learn the value of taking care of their own things and the connection built by sharing in family tasks. They can learn to put work first and play second, or they can learn to go out with friends and put off homework and chores until later. They can learn it’s okay for brothers and sisters to fight and argue constantly, or they can learn to resolve problems and treat each other with consideration. They can learn to be rude and sassy to us in front of their friends if we agree “fitting in” with rude and sassy friends is more important than kindness and respect. Or they can learn to take a stand for being considerate and respecting their parents. It depends on how we lead them.

Parenting isn’t a sprint and it’s not even a marathon. You train for those, you run, and they’re over. Parenting isn’t accomplished in individual moments of quality time. It’s the culmination of recurring patterns of affection, directions, consequences, words of praise, and words of guidance. These patterns come from keeping our purpose clearly in our minds and stopping occasionally to ask: What am I teaching my child about life and about being a person of strong character?

Posted in The Mentorship Approach With Kids & Teens, Zine 1: October 2007, Zines in 2007