The sixth chapter of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen is the final chapter introducing a category of skills and is the final unit in the training series. It’s titled “Freeing Children From Playing Roles.” I like to think of it as freeing children from limiting their lives into little boxes or deep, narrow ruts.

The problems with expanding children’s occasional patterns of behavior into a role may be pretty obvious, but they’re important enough to merit an overview. First, children are growing and developing and changing rapidly, but labeling them usually doesn’t acknowledge that fact. So the eight-year-old girl who has started learning about cleaning up her supplies and work area at school might still be regarded by her family as the five-year-old who leaves toys all over the house. When her mother says “She treats every room in the house like it’s her closet” or “This one was born to be rich; she expects a maid to pick up after her,” her daughter’s growing maturity is ignored and discounted.

Second, labels and roles become self-fulfilling. A child who hears that she’s lazy, or that he’s hard-headed, will start to assume that’s how he or she will act. Thoughts like “That’s how they think I am so it must be true” or “That’s what they think of me so I might as well act that way” make the label true by default. Children rise and sink to the level of our expectations. They may not hit the highest standard we set, but they are elevated when we truly believe they can accomplish great things and their achievement goes up. They can fall to the level of our negative expectations much more easily, not only meeting but often exceeding them.

The third glaring problem with labels and roles is the implied criticism that belittles the child and diminishes self-worth. There’s not much about “hard-headed” or “lazy” or “sloppy” or “forgetful” that feels good to a child.

Faber and Mazlish have many suggestions in the chapter for interrupting the pattern of expanding occasional behavior into roles with negative labels. One is useful to parents ready to make a change. We can consciously and intentionally look for opportunities to point out when our child’s behavior disproves the label. For example, with a child who has been put in the “lazy” role, we look for opportunities to comment on initiative and effort. We say, “Heather, I noticed you made your bed and put up your toys after breakfast. That’s what I call diligence.” If you think your child doesn’t understand the word diligence, just say it with excitement and enthusiasm and see how quickly she figures it out or asks what it means.

Another recommendation they give is to help break the cycle when your child has internalized a negative role and consistently sees himself or herself that way. Parents become a living scrapbook and historian, able to call on memories that refute the negative label. John says, “I’m too clumsy to be good at any sport.” His dad reminds him how careful he was helping with a woodworking project and how he rides his bike for hours at a time. Dad’s not arguing or disagreeing, which John can easily discount. He’s providing real evidence that John knows is true, and he’s doing it with love and respect which stand as champions against the negative words John thinks about himself.

Have I Mentioned I Love This Book?

Following the training units on the six areas of improving your relationship with your children through new skills, Faber and Mazlish include a chapter that pulls the skills together for more complex situations. They respond to questions mailed in from parents over several years. They take on some pretty tough situations and give examples of applying these skills with challenging kids.

This book and the system it describes are the best starting point for parents wanting to improve their interactions with their children. The system respects children’s developmental needs, strengthens parents’ communication skills, and nurtures relationships between parents and their children. It lays the foundation for life-long character in children. Other parenting books and systems are good, but none is as heart-focused, comprehensive, practical, and effective as this.

The difference is the spirit of Dr. Haim Ginott, the child psychologist who trained and inspired Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. They shared his passion for mentoring children. He passed along his commitment to honoring and valuing children. They soaked in his teaching, applied it, lived it, and found clear and direct words to explain it to others. The result is an engaging, easy-to-read book that is both simple and profound.

“You are wonderful!”

“That’s the most amazing project I’ve ever seen!”

“You’re the best assistant division manager in the whole company!”

Are you buying that?

Neither are your kids. They hear exaggerated praise and dismiss it. They hear vague praise and think it sounds hollow.

In chapter 5 of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk, titled “Praise,” Faber and Mazlish recommend using specific descriptions of children’s behavior and their accomplishments. Specific descriptions are by definition not exaggerated, so they are not easily dismissed. They are not empty or hollow because they are rich in content.

As an example, when four-year-old Bryson shows mom his picture, she doesn’t say, “Wow, honey! It’s beautiful! You’re such a good little artist.” Instead, she describes what she sees. “I see green here, that looks like grass. And that’s a house with a chimney. The sun is bright yellow and you put a smile on it. I see people playing. When I look at this picture I feel happy.” Bryson knows his mother is paying attention because she is describing in detail. His work and effort are being affirmed. When she adds her emotional response to his work, he knows he has connected with her. His effort is recognized clearly and is truly appreciated.

Faber and Mazlish teach an additional powerful technique for giving effective praise that summarizes the description in one or two words. That short summary is an affirmation of a quality that is developing in the child. It is proof that he or she is on a good path towards social and personal responsibility in adulthood. It can help a child undo a negative self-perception and see himself or herself as capable and effective in an area where others have given criticism. It also becomes a touchstone the child can recall when doubts or insecurities arise.

It works like this. Jenny is in the habit of not doing things until reminded. Her second-grade teacher sees it as a pattern and looks for instances where she can give accounts of Jenny not taking care of her responsibilities. At home, mom and dad have fallen into criticizing her, too, asking her, “Why can’t you remember things?” or “What’s it going to take for you to do this without being reminded?” Jenny is developing a self-image of being forgetful and ineffective, and probably helpless.

Jenny’s dad, deciding to apply this approach, looks for an opportunity. It’s Jenny’s chore to help set the table, and one night she starts when mom announces dinner will be in five minutes. She not only puts out plates, silverware, and glasses, she asks her mom what kind of serving utensils to put out. Her dad says, “Jenny, I saw that you started your chore without a reminder tonight. You put out the plates, the silverware, and the glasses. You even put out the serving utensils.” That part is the description. The summary that follows has the power to go deeply into her heart and change how she sees herself. Dad says, “I saw initiative and consideration.”

This technique is very similar to a skill used in professional coaching called acknowledgment. A coach offers a client an acknowledgment by speaking to a quality of strength the client has which he or she can tap to accomplish challenging goals. The coach says, “I know this might be a difficult week with family getting together and old conflicts coming up, but I know you have the wisdom and compassion to stay out of old patterns.” That resonates in the part of the client that is strong and capable and gives confidence to take on the challenge. As parents, we build up those places of strength and confidence in our children when we affirm the qualities we see develop in them.

For a related article on praise and self-esteem, click here to visit Parenting By Strengths.

All the skills, techniques, and perspectives provided by Faber and Mazlish give parents better relationships with their children. Many provide short-term results, and all of them are designed for long-term improvements in cooperation and communication. But one set of skills is specifically aimed at helping parents accomplish one of our most important jobs over the long run.

Chapter 4 of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk is “Encouraging Autonomy.” Being independent and able to manage one’s own life is a hallmark of adulthood. From infancy, we mentor our children towards adulthood so they can take charge of their own lives, explore their gifts and talents, and realize their potential.

Faber and Mazlish offer many suggestions for moving children towards autonomy, and three flow nicely to exemplify their approach. First they suggest letting children choose. As much as possible, as often as possible, they should have choices. Since the purpose of having choices is to get used to making decisions and learning that decisions have consequences, this is not a wide-open freedom to do whatever they feel like doing. Instead, it is handing them choices within the protection of safety. It can be choosing whether to have broccoli or green beans, but not choosing to avoid vegetables. It can be choosing which order to do chores, but not refusing chores. It can be choosing whether to have a part-time job, part-time volunteer position, or summer classes, but not the freedom to choose lots of idle free time.

A second idea that comes from letting children choose is letting them struggle. Struggling is the recurrent effort needed to learn new things, or to improve to new levels of ability. Struggling is part of the natural progression from being introduced to a skill or task to mastering it. If we step in and do something for them when they’re struggling because it’s a little difficult, we take away their opportunity to improve and to experience true self-esteem, which comes from mastering new skills. When we allow our children to struggle, they learn “struggle hardiness.” They learn to see that persistence in the face of frustration pays off over time. Striving leads to thriving.

A third idea follows closely. They urge parents to avoid rescuing their children when the children don’t need it. When they’re over their heads or facing things beyond their experience or ability, they need us to step in and give guidance, help, or protection. But when they make a choice and are upset with the outcome, unless it threatens their health, we need to let them experience the consequences of their choices. This is the only way they learn with certainty that choices matter.

If they forget their lunch on the kitchen table, don’t make an extra trip to school to deliver it. If they tell you the night before that a project is due the next day and they need supplies at the store, don’t rush off to get them unless your child “pays” you with chores for your time and effort. And whatever you do, don’t stay up late helping your child do the last-minute project! All he or she will learn is that putting things off works out well because mom or dad will take care of it.

The hovering “helicopter parent” replaces the child’s judgment and choices with the parent’s. This is only a good long-term plan if the parent will be hovering for the rest of the child’s life! Since the child’s natural developmental drive is towards autonomy, that really won’t work anyway.

You gave the first idea from How To Talk a try. You focused carefully on acknowledging your child’s feelings. You learned more about your child’s world, maybe you defused a couple of situations that were headed for tantrums or arguments, and you deepened your connection with your child. You felt great!

Then you tried the ways to engage cooperation. You described what you saw, you told your child what you expected, and you learned to summarize it all with a word – “Laundry!”

But there are still things you’re child won’t do, or things he or she keeps doing that aren’t allowed. What now?

Chapter 3 of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk is titled “Alternatives to Punishment.” Don’t worry! This doesn’t mean, “Let them do whatever they want.” It means, “Teach personal responsibility.”

It’s a process that seems pretty straightforward, but it’s hard to implement when we’re in the habit of threatening or yelling or imposing restrictions. The good news – you still get to let ‘em know you’re mad.

But instead of going out of control yelling or criticizing, Faber and Mazlish ask us to be specific. “I’ve told you the rule about your shoes. Take them off before you walk on the carpet so it doesn’t get muddy. It’s covered with muddy shoeprints. I’m really upset about that!”

We’re still using description, but instead of describing a situation that needs cooperation, such as finishing a chore, we’re describing a problem the child has made. And we’re showing how it’s affecting other people. That’s part of teaching empathy.

Another level of the process is showing your child how to make amends, how to fix the problem. You can tell her, “The bucket and cleaning rags are in the laundry room. You have to clean up the wet mud with a damp rag, then spray on the carpet cleaner and follow the directions. The carpet cleaner is under the sink.”

For recurring situations, even after logical consequences are used, you can get more strict. “I’m storing your play shoes in the garage. You put them on and take them off out there. That way they won’t come in the house.”

One of their best recommendations in this chapter underscores the respect and investment in character development that makes Dr. Ginott’s approach stand out. When you’re baffled because what you’re trying isn’t working to enforce the rules, they recommend sitting down and brainstorming with your child. You’re identifying the situation as a problem, making it clear your child owns the responsibility for solving the problem, and helping come up with some different ideas to try. Your child decides which approach will work best and makes a commitment to do it.

This is sensible. This is doable. It’s so simple you’ll think there has to be a lot more to consequences that work. But there really isn’t, except in situations that are so severe they merit professional help. Even then, the professional defuses the immediate frustration and teaches you to use techniques like these to correct and shape and guide your child’s behavior towards compliance and obedience.

Natural and logical consequences teach our children a lot more than punishment does.

How do we get our kids to do what they’re supposed to do? Most of us grew up with basic chores, homework, and house rules. It all seems perfectly logical to us as adults. But our kids don’t seem to agree!

When simple directions don’t work, some parents command or even threaten. Others bargain, bribe, and plead. But not much happens. I was skeptical when I learned Faber and Mazlish’s techniques for engaging cooperation. But when I tried them they worked—like magic.

Chapter 2 of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk is titled “Engaging Cooperation.” Skeptics may think they’ll find sticker charts here, or escalating warnings with escalating consequences. I think they’ll be intrigued.

In their uniquely engaging way, Faber and Mazlish review the ways lots of us parents try to get our children to do things. They give scenarios of parents lecturing, commanding, comparing children’s behavior to others, playing the martyr, and many other approaches that send a shudder of self-realization through all of us. Most meaningfully, they help us see those experiences from the child’s point of view.

Instead of those ineffective techniques, they offer voodoo. At least, that’s what I thought it was at first. How in the world is that going to work? But their suggestions do work.

They sound so simple it seems they shouldn’t work. One technique is to describe the situation you see. “John, your dirty clothes are piled in that corner and your clean clothes are falling off your dresser. Your bedspread is in the closet and I can’t even see your pillows. I can’t step any further into the room without stepping on your toys on the floor.” Facts are irrefutable! Lots of children will understand and start putting things away. Some won’t. They’ll take it to the next level.

And with this chapter you’ll be ready. “Clean clothes belong in the closet and the dresser. Dirty clothes belong in the hamper. Toys go on the shelf when you’re not playing with them.” More facts with clear expectations.

Will your child still resist? There is another level. “When I see your room in such a mess, I feel disappointed and frustrated. I expect you to take good care of your things. From now on, you can keep the things you take good care of, and we’ll put away the rest until you’re ready to handle them.” Your child may need to see you follow through on taking away the things left out before he or she believes you, but it will work.

With their many examples and scenarios it’s easy to figure out how to apply these techniques to your own situations. They include some other fun and even playful ways to get children to take responsibility and manage their belongings and chores well on a regular basis.

You’ll find yourself thinking, “I want to believe this will work. I really do!” And it will. Like magic.

My understanding of children and their psychological development was electrified when I studied play therapy under Dr. Garry Landreth, a world-renowned expert. In addition to giving us his own powerful insight, he introduced our class to great developmental psychologists and child therapists. Among the best of the best was Dr. Haim Ginott, who valued compassion and empathy to build character and resilience in children. Dr. Ginott’s best-known students, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, took what they learned and created the parenting approach I recommend above all others.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk is the product of many years of learning, applying concepts, teaching, listening, and refining techniques. Faber and Mazlish started by teaching groups of parents the concepts Dr. Ginott had taught them. Eventually they wrote their first book, Liberated Parents, Liberated Children.

That book uses a narrative style to show how the women learned Dr. Ginott’s techniques, tried them out, had some successes and some struggles, and eventually transformed their relationships with their children. In How To Talk they created six lessons from the ideas and techniques they taught for years. This book has exercises and steps for parents to learn the skills and try them out so they can deepen their relationships with their children and get better cooperation.

The First Tip: Listen to your child’s feelings.

Faber and Mazlish show us how automatic it is for us as parents to tell children they shouldn’t feel what they say they feel, or try to convince them they feel something else. They start off by encouraging us to listen to the feelings our children are conveying, even if they’re uncomfortable and hard to hear.

I’ve seen lots of skeptical responses to that first topic from parents who can’t see how letting a child express his or her feelings will change anything. And I’ve seen an equal number of stunned converts when they make the effort to listen attentively with empathy.

Emotions are powerful and they overwhelm judgment when children don’t let them out. When our children communicate what they’re feeling and realize they are being heard and understood, it’s affirming and calming. It creates connection and gives them encouragement. It transforms their behavior. Not all of it, of course, but enough to see immediate results.

Dr. Ginott understood this about children. He taught Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and they experienced its truth in their families. They share this truth with so many examples and stories it’s impossible to read that first chapter and not make changes.This book is a blessing. I hope you will get a copy, read it, and put these techniques into practice.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is the star of the television show Shalom in the Home. He visits families and helps them solve ongoing conflicts and learn to enjoy each other more. His approach to family relationships, and to parenting in particular, is based on instilling values and developing character, guiding children towards meaningful adult lives. It’s the Mentorship Approach!

One of Shmuley’s many books is titled 10 Conversations You Need to Have with Your Children. His first chapter talks about conversations around the theme, “Who do you want to be?”

Shmuley points out that it’s far more important to involve our children in thinking about Who they want to be, in terms of their character and morals and values, than it is to ask them What they want to be. Life is so much more than a career or work field, which can be changed more easily than character.

He brings this into conversations with his own children at teachable moments. I offer a scenario to show how to apply his method. A young near-teen-age girl is asking relentlessly for clothes that seem too adult and too revealing. The typical conversation might start out with parents encouraging her to change her mind, then mom or dad might throw in some shaming comments about the risqué look, and the fight is on.

In the end, at least these days it seems, the parents are likely to give in because they default to two things: their overblown worries about the importance of their children “fitting in” and embracing the “lowest common denominator” model, where they figure if other parents allow it maybe they should, too. Hey, wait a minute! That’s also about fitting in! It’s just the parents wanting to make sure they fit in.

Shmuley’s conversation would focus on values on character. “Do you want to be a young lady who respects her body and respects the effect it has on young men when you show your body? Or do you want to use your body to command young men’s attention? Do you want young men interested in you for the beauty of your spirit and the wonders of your mind, or do you want them interested because they get the message they can get physical satisfaction?”

I see a particular kind of magic in this approach. Most parents want to instill values and develop their children’s character, but it turns into shaming and critical statements too quickly. Unfortunately, the “popular culture” approach to solving this problem is to encourage parents not to teach values to their children, but to believe children (even at young ages) have their own well-developed values. It’s absurd!

Real child development experts don’t promote these silly ideas because they understand the development of morality and know that the moral reasoning of children is limited. They don’t really have adult complexity in their moral reasoning until the end of the teen years or sometimes later.

Shmuley’s approach respects the fact that children will develop their own character and values, but more importantly it respects the fact that they don’t develop them on their own and by a young age. Shmuley’s approach honors the reasoning in moral reasoning. It gives parents a template for sharing our values, and the reasons we hold them.

It also gives us a template to share our optimism and vision for the future with our children. It encourages us to see their potential, to show them our vision of who they can become, and to guide them towards it. That’s the Mentorship Approach.

The Mentorship Approach With Kids & Teens

Hanukah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa are coming. Are your kids making lists of things they want? It’s a season of giving, and they know there’s no giving without receiving! Aren’t they helpful?

If you want to help your children see life more from the giver’s side, here are some conversation starters you can use:

· We donate to charities at this time of year. Is there a particular charity you want me to know about?

· A lot of people make room for the gifts they receive by clearing out some used things they can give away. Let’s look in your room. What are you ready to donate?

· It might be hard for you to believe, but when adults think back on Christmas (or Hanukah, or Kwanzaa), they hardly remember the gifts they received. They remember special holiday treats and hand-made things. Is there something you want to help make this year that you can share with the family or your friends?

· We’re going to pick a child from the Angel Tree this year. I think we’ll pick a boy/girl around your age. Can you help me make a list of things a child might need and want if his/her family can’t afford presents?

· My group is collecting donations for the food bank. Can you help me think of some ways to encourage more people to donate?

· There are some lonely people at this time of year because their families are far away or they don’t have any family left. How can we reach out to them?

· How can we share our happiness and excitement with other people besides giving gifts?

Enjoy your Holiday and share it with others.

Mine’s Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Adapted from an article written for the Highland Meadow Montessori Academy Newsletter

I work as a volunteer child advocate with CASA of Tarrant County and have a fantastic supervisor named Charlotte Smith. Last month she received a community service award from the Tarrant County Black Bar Association. I was proud for her, but not at all surprised, because she is warm and friendly and persistent. Charlotte was surprised. She told me now that she realized people were watching, she was going to be careful what she did! I had to laugh. She found out she was being noticed when she was given an award for doing great things, but she felt self-conscious and was worried she better be more mindful about her behavior.

Charlotte and I talk about being parents sometimes, and her reaction reminded me: Our children notice what we say and do. They don’t just see a little bit once in a while. They see what we do well and what we do on purpose, but they also see our shortcomings, the times we give in, and the times we respond with frustration or hostility. Parenting is long, slow, cumulative work. It’s consistently our job, even when we aren’t being consistent. We are training our children at all times. Even without realizing it, we teach them how to treat other people, how to get what they want and avoid what they don’t want, and how to make choices between different priorities. Yikes!

As parents we want to encourage self-sufficiency, nurture good habits, build up self-confidence, and cultivate strong character based on principles and deep values. Lectures and occasional “crackdowns” on behavior don’t accomplish this. We nurture these attitudes and habits a drop at a time over many years. For example, I want my children to understand that other people aren’t obligated to give them what they want, or even to give them help. People often want to help and are willing, but they want others to respect their freedom to decide and to acknowledge their cooperation.

I want my sons to see even small favors as a gift that deserves a little gratitude. Giving reminders about using their manners as they head out the door won’t be enough to instill a spirit of gratitude. A sticker chart might get them to use polite words, but it won’t teach the value of gratitude. I have to make it my goal and find opportunities to teach and train. For example, I will be sure to use “please” and “thank you” with simple requests of them. I tell them how the favor specifically helps me. When they ask for help with something I make sure I hear “please,” especially when they’re talking to each other. If I don’t hear “thank you” between brothers, I comment that one went out of his way to help the other. This prompts a “thank you” and a specific statement of appreciation. It’s then that I see the spirit of gratitude and cooperation coming through.

This approach applies to most habits that define maturity and character. Children can learn to avoid chores and complain about them, or they can learn the value of taking care of their own things and the connection built by sharing in family tasks. They can learn to put work first and play second, or they can learn to go out with friends and put off homework and chores until later. They can learn it’s okay for brothers and sisters to fight and argue constantly, or they can learn to resolve problems and treat each other with consideration. They can learn to be rude and sassy to us in front of their friends if we agree “fitting in” with rude and sassy friends is more important than kindness and respect. Or they can learn to take a stand for being considerate and respecting their parents. It depends on how we lead them.

Parenting isn’t a sprint and it’s not even a marathon. You train for those, you run, and they’re over. Parenting isn’t accomplished in individual moments of quality time. It’s the culmination of recurring patterns of affection, directions, consequences, words of praise, and words of guidance. These patterns come from keeping our purpose clearly in our minds and stopping occasionally to ask: What am I teaching my child about life and about being a person of strong character?