Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.

~ Margaret Young

I get a Daily Inspirational Nudge from Valerie Young at Changing Course. She’s a creative career change wizard. I use the word wizard because all the feminine magical terms seem to have very negative connotations.

I can’t even use the word “genie” because Valerie will point out that has the same root as “genius.” Instead of talking about her own accomplishments she’ll focus on the unique abilities and gifts of each individual, our own “genius,” or inner “genie.”

The quote above jumped out at me when I saw it in my in-box. It helps me realize there’s a lot of backwards thinking bouncing around.

We want to have plenty of money and time and freedom before we’re willing to find our passions and live fully in alignment with our values. Isn’t it possible that our passions and values will lead us to more freedom, liberate our time (as we delete things that aren’t in sync with them), and lead to greater success as we work from our greatest gifts? In fact, is it really possible to do it any other way?

We want to have fame and acceptance so we can be pleased with ourselves—so we can like ourselves. Regardless of fame, regardless of acclaim, we won’t like ourselves until we take time to know ourselves and see what unique qualities we bring to the world. And other people are more likely to like us and accept us when we start by liking ourselves.

We think we have to have a perfect plan all worked out before changing careers, starting a business, or starting a new chapter in our lives. But we’re not going to see most of the steps until we get going. We have to head out into the fog of not-knowing before we can start to find our way. Trailblazers don’t blaze highways!

We want adventure and excitement in our lives, but we want to plan it and make sure we’ve saved up for it and won’t get bumped “off-course” from our careful plans. But as we build our dependence on institutions and organizations, we lose our independence, which is the core of our ability to have an adventure.

I heard another great quote in a Coaching seminar: “Just get moving; you can always change lanes later.” The energy of action is powerful, and more important than being totally prepared and exactly on target when you set out. Michael Masterson tells us, “Ready, Fire, Aim,” explaining that often it’s getting started and making effort that matters most. The details get worked out along the way.

The excitement, the adventure, the joy, the passion, and the deep happiness follow our action. We must take risks—calculated risks, not wild and crazy risks—and give ourselves a chance to create and express and discover. We have to get out and do. We have to strive towards expressing our authentic selves as fully as possible. Then we will thrive.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is the star of the television show Shalom in the Home. He visits families and helps them solve ongoing conflicts and learn to enjoy each other more. His approach to family relationships, and to parenting in particular, is based on instilling values and developing character, guiding children towards meaningful adult lives. It’s the Mentorship Approach!

One of Shmuley’s many books is titled 10 Conversations You Need to Have with Your Children. His first chapter talks about conversations around the theme, “Who do you want to be?”

Shmuley points out that it’s far more important to involve our children in thinking about Who they want to be, in terms of their character and morals and values, than it is to ask them What they want to be. Life is so much more than a career or work field, which can be changed more easily than character.

He brings this into conversations with his own children at teachable moments. I offer a scenario to show how to apply his method. A young near-teen-age girl is asking relentlessly for clothes that seem too adult and too revealing. The typical conversation might start out with parents encouraging her to change her mind, then mom or dad might throw in some shaming comments about the risqué look, and the fight is on.

In the end, at least these days it seems, the parents are likely to give in because they default to two things: their overblown worries about the importance of their children “fitting in” and embracing the “lowest common denominator” model, where they figure if other parents allow it maybe they should, too. Hey, wait a minute! That’s also about fitting in! It’s just the parents wanting to make sure they fit in.

Shmuley’s conversation would focus on values on character. “Do you want to be a young lady who respects her body and respects the effect it has on young men when you show your body? Or do you want to use your body to command young men’s attention? Do you want young men interested in you for the beauty of your spirit and the wonders of your mind, or do you want them interested because they get the message they can get physical satisfaction?”

I see a particular kind of magic in this approach. Most parents want to instill values and develop their children’s character, but it turns into shaming and critical statements too quickly. Unfortunately, the “popular culture” approach to solving this problem is to encourage parents not to teach values to their children, but to believe children (even at young ages) have their own well-developed values. It’s absurd!

Real child development experts don’t promote these silly ideas because they understand the development of morality and know that the moral reasoning of children is limited. They don’t really have adult complexity in their moral reasoning until the end of the teen years or sometimes later.

Shmuley’s approach respects the fact that children will develop their own character and values, but more importantly it respects the fact that they don’t develop them on their own and by a young age. Shmuley’s approach honors the reasoning in moral reasoning. It gives parents a template for sharing our values, and the reasons we hold them.

It also gives us a template to share our optimism and vision for the future with our children. It encourages us to see their potential, to show them our vision of who they can become, and to guide them towards it. That’s the Mentorship Approach.

There is a risk involved in helping your team members grow and develop. They can grow beyond their position. They can grow beyond your business or organization. I experienced this personally as co-owner of a child development center.

I had employees who wanted to improve their skills working with children. They took college courses and ultimately got degrees in education or child development. With their degrees it wasn’t long before they were looking for next-step opportunities on paths that moved them away from our center.

I had other employees who aspired to business ownership and wanted to learn about business management. As they worked in the front office and gained skills, they reached a point where they wanted a greater challenge. Some left to work in a larger business. Some took steps towards starting their own business that often meant leaving to work in a different career field.

It was sad when people moved on, especially when I had enjoyed knowing them and working with them on a regular basis, watching their skills develop and their enthusiasm grown. It was also very frustrating to see the more enthusiastic and qualified employees moving on, knowing the people who replaced them would not be as skillful or as involved with their work.

But over time I realized that the enthusiastic and skillful people who moved on did not start out as talented as they were when they left. And the new people would not stay novices and their interest would increase if they connected their work to their future development. Of course for some it was just another job, but for those who really got involved it was much more.

I realized I got many months, often a few years, of creative involvement and committed effort from people who saw their job as a path to growth. Those dedicated to early or elementary education were thrilled to be able to work with children and observe the developmental progress and curriculum and activity planning they were learning in theory. Those who wanted to learn about business management could do so in a friendly environment where the business decisions were mostly straightforward and less challenging than a more complex organization.

Those employees were getting a lot out of their work experience that was moving them towards long-term goals. The energy and dedication they focused on their goals produced energetic, dedicated team members. They were natural leaders, they were inclined to be helpful, and they were the people most connected with the overall mission of our center.

I was often thinking months ahead to the point when an employee would resign and move on. It was a challenge to find qualified people to replace my experienced team members. But the synergy they brought to our programs, and the significant benefit they had in the lives of the children in our care, made it worth the challenge.

Today I finished the pile of shredding I first wrote about October 19. Today is December 19. It took me that long to get through the pile.

I didn’t realize back then I had a small trash can nearly full of papers to shred. I was only looking at the stack growing on top of the shredder and on a box next to the trash can. Ironically, the trash can is from my first shredder, which I wore out with marathon shredding sessions.

I stuck to my plan pretty well. I didn’t shred once a month and keep going until the shredder overheated and stopped. Yes! That was my previous method.

The new plan was to shred 10 items each day and I pretty much followed it. Whenever I got a credit card application (Good grief! That was most of my shredding!) I would shred it that day. Even if I got 2 or 3 applications, I shredded them plus my 10 items.

Some days I didn’t shred, so on a subsequent day I might shred 15-20 things. I had to fight the temptation to keep going after so few things shredded.

For me, 10 (or so) was a good guideline, because it kept me from shredding and shredding to the point it became a huge task. I paced myself and re-learned the value of tending daily to recurring tasks. The pile disappeared, and I was not frustrated or stressed.

Pursuit of Happiness: Work & Play

“So if the college your kids go to isn’t that important, what is the key to helping them be successful in life? I am convinced it is largely one thing: encouraging them to discover their true calling – the one thing that totally engages their interest and passion. If you can help them do that, their natural curiosity, intelligence, and drive will take them the rest of the way.”

Master Copywriter Bob Bly in November 6 2007 “Early to Rise” Newsletter

The only problem I have with Bob Bly’s quote is that this idea doesn’t just apply to college kids. All of us will be more successful in life if we find our true calling and live in alignment with our passions and interests.

I believe that means we live from the authentic self, the center of who we really are. We each have things that energize and excite us, that grab our attention and make us lose track of time. This is based on how we’re made to interact with the world around us, our unique perspectives based on how certain things dance inside us.

It really is possible to find your passions and captivating interests. It really is possible to bring them into your life. In fact, if you ignore them or don’t honor them often, you’re probably feeling miserable, empty, very frustrated, or stuck in a rut.

I’m going out further on a limb. It is not only possible to bring your passions and interests into your life. It is possible to find work that draws on those passions and interests. That is the work you were born to do. When your work comes from your deepest self, it will be your best work, and it will be joyful.

If you’re energized by this idea but aren’t sure what your passions and captivating interests are, or can’t figure out a way to turn them into a career, visit Changing Course. Valerie Young, “Dreamer in Residence” and Solopreneur owner of the business, is a creative career change guru. She helps you define your ideal life and plan a career, a business, or a self-employment opportunity that helps you create and live that ideal life. She has tons of free resources, including downloadable interviews and an excellent bi-monthly newsletter, affordable e-books and workbooks, and audio recordings of many workshops she has led or co-led.

If you’re a little further along and know your passions and interests pretty well but are hesitating in taking the steps to follow your dream, you’re ready for the Fast Track Your Dream Program. Valerie offers a box full of resources to help turn your passions into income. She includes workbooks to help you focus like a laser on your passions and interests so you know what you were born to do. She adds audio recordings of some of her workshops, including presentations by Barbara Winter and Barbara Sher, with dozens of ideas for leaving the j-o-b box and finding your true calling. She includes audio recordings that let you hear how other people are living their dreams.

For me the most important component of Fast Track is an online forum of people in the process of career change who are passionate about helping each other brainstorm new ideas and supporting each other through each step. I’m a member of the Fast Track Tribe and consistently rely on the support and encouragement I get from the group. When you join, send me a shout!

Pursuit of Happiness: Money

Many experts on personal finance, money management, and building wealth teach a common theme. They say giving is an important part of the foundation to a healthy relationship with money.

I say “relationship with money” because they write about money as a force, something along the lines of a river. It can be directed and respected but not trapped—at least not for long. Doesn’t that sound wacky? I know! It’s kind of hard to wrap your brain around.

But they each learned this principle before becoming wealthy, so it’s a core of what they teach about understanding money. They say grabbing at money, chasing after it, or holding to it tightly tends to cause it to flee. Respecting it, directing it wisely, and sharing it with others brings more to you.

If you’re still not ready to accept this idea, there are many other sound reasons that giving can be a good part of your life on a regular basis. Don’t give just so your teenagers can have iPods, cell phones, and cars. How about these not-as-wacky thoughts about the value of giving?

· Giving helps put your situation in perspective when you start thinking about other people’s needs.

· Giving promotes gratitude in you.

· Giving what you can, even a little once in a while, builds a habit and mindset of giving.

· Giving makes it easier to see the difference between wants and needs.

· Giving promotes a mentality of abundance instead of scarcity.

· Giving is a significant part of many faiths and philosophical traditions because it develops maturity and character.

· Giving is fun!

One common concern of people who are looking to make exciting changes in their lives is finding the time to make it happen. One of the best ideas I’ve heard for having enough time is to “recover” it.

Recovering time requires a mindset. Most of us see our schedule like this: morning rush, work, quick lunch, more work, get-home-and-get-kids-and-get-dinner, collapse on the sofa. Instead, start looking for those windows where things slow down, you’re waiting for other people, or you have a break. You can occasionally find ten or fifteen minutes in one segment, and you might actually find half an hour or more once in a while.

Here are some useful and energizing ways to use those little chunks of recovered time:

· Start a To-Do list of things you can do with a few minutes of recovered time.

· Make 1 phone call. Depending on the length of the conversation or if you just leave a message, you might be able to make 3 or 4!

· Work with a mind-map for developing ideas. Learn how here.

· Write a page or a scene in your novel or short story.

· Write an outline or rough draft of an article.

· Research a topic, a business, a person, or a training program on the internet.

· Send e-mail to a mentor or potential mentor to get information, guidance, and support.

· Occasionally, use the time to do something specific and focused for relaxation so you have energy throughout the day.

· Sketch.

· Compose music.

· Work on your product design.

· Listen to an audio program on a CD or an MP3 player while driving.

· Listen to an audio program on an MP3 player or on your computer while doing routine tasks.

· Read an article on a topic related to the area you intend to change in your life.

· Add to your list of factors in your “dream life” to help you choose work and hobbies that bring enjoyment and fulfillment.

· Pull out your day planner and schedule half-hour to one-hour blocks each day to read, both for enjoyment and for training, growth, and development.

· Write a Blog-Zine entry! Okay, I threw this one in because my goal was to take just 15 minutes for this one since a lot of my articles are over a page long. Mission accomplished!

The thing you set your mind on is the thing you ultimately become.

~ Nathaniel Hawthorne

What more needs to be said?

In this Age of The Secret and The Law of Attraction—much.

Age-old wisdom has been mainstreamed and popularized. As with most concepts, mainstreaming and popularizing means losing some important components.

I am much more comfortable with the term “Law of Intention” than “Law of Attraction.” I believe effort is required. Intention focuses the mind so your efforts are more productive. When you focus on your goal, your mind at many levels starts listening, gathering information, and solving problems. You see patterns you didn’t recognize before. You become aware of resources you hadn’t thought of.

You see paths to your goal that seem like they pop into your mind. I think there’s a part of the brain that’s working hard putting pieces together, and when your unconscious mind delivers the “finished report” to your awareness it seems like it comes from outside your own thoughts. But I believe it’s processed in your own mind.

Intention is the difference between wanting to be a famous actress and meditating on it each day, and planning to be a famous actress and finding every opportunity to improve your craft and be seen by other people. Intention looks for opportunities to earn money instead of visualizing checks arriving in the mailbox. Intention seeks the path to the goal.

It reminds me of the classic joke about the man who prays diligently each week to win the lottery. After months without winning, he’s beseeching and yearning and pleading with God. Suddenly he hears a voice from above. “Help me out a little. Buy a ticket.”

I think that visualizing the end goal helps make it more real and more believable. I think our minds pursue what we believe is possible and avoid what we believe is impossible. So meditating and visualizing the goal are useful. But even more important is what occurs when you focus your thoughts on <em>the next steps.</em>

It can be helpful to meditate I will be successfully self-employed in five years, or even Money comes to me easily and regularly.

But it’s much more powerful to meditate I will see my next step to discovering and starting my own business, or to think Every day I see more ways to create income from ideas.

It is focused attention that brings information, awareness, and opportunities to you. It is effort and intention that turns thoughts into reality. That happens when you set your mind to discovering your path, finding the next step, and taking it.

With intention, The thing you set your mind on is the thing you ultimately become.

The Mentorship Approach With Kids & Teens

Hanukah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa are coming. Are your kids making lists of things they want? It’s a season of giving, and they know there’s no giving without receiving! Aren’t they helpful?

If you want to help your children see life more from the giver’s side, here are some conversation starters you can use:

· We donate to charities at this time of year. Is there a particular charity you want me to know about?

· A lot of people make room for the gifts they receive by clearing out some used things they can give away. Let’s look in your room. What are you ready to donate?

· It might be hard for you to believe, but when adults think back on Christmas (or Hanukah, or Kwanzaa), they hardly remember the gifts they received. They remember special holiday treats and hand-made things. Is there something you want to help make this year that you can share with the family or your friends?

· We’re going to pick a child from the Angel Tree this year. I think we’ll pick a boy/girl around your age. Can you help me make a list of things a child might need and want if his/her family can’t afford presents?

· My group is collecting donations for the food bank. Can you help me think of some ways to encourage more people to donate?

· There are some lonely people at this time of year because their families are far away or they don’t have any family left. How can we reach out to them?

· How can we share our happiness and excitement with other people besides giving gifts?

Enjoy your Holiday and share it with others.

Mine’s Christmas. Merry Christmas!

The Mentorship Approach With Teams & Groups

Getting your team on board with a new program or project can be a challenge. When it comes to motivation, there isn’t one answer. What works best for you, or even for most people, won’t work for everyone. Get familiar with your team members and the things that encourage their best performance.

Money: It’s true that many people are motivated by money, and we all pretty much need money. But be careful. Many people are generally motivated by money, but not by bonuses and incentives. In sales, performance and money are aligned, so it’s easy to think all workers will do whatever it takes to earn a bonus. They won’t! If you discover that your team member is motivated by money, find ways to offer bonuses for deadlines, volume, customer satisfaction—anything you want to improve. Emphasize the earning potential with each new project or program you introduce.

Recognition: Some people will do much more for public acknowledgement than they ever will for bonus pay. If Debra likes to be recognized and had the big idea that made the project work, or put in lots of extra hours, let everyone know. And don’t think that a private acknowledgement will be the same. Don’t “spare” other team members’ feelings at the expense of Debra’s. And don’t try to get her to accept another reward in exchange for giving up her recognition!

Responsibility: Do you know people who like to be in charge? They want to show what they’re capable of doing, and handing them a larger responsibility after successfully completing a task is like candy to them—or ice cream! If your team member is motivated this way, pay attention when a project ends. Make sure he has more opportunities to be in charge and be successful.

Personal Improvement: It might sound like a fable, but it’s true. There are people who seek out new and different kinds of work just to challenge themselves and learn new things. This sort of team member might take on a project just because it’s intimidating. Or she might like coordinating with the graphics team just so she’ll learn about graphics. Make sure you offer her variety or she’ll be bored.

Flexible Schedule: We all want more time off and freedom to do things we enjoy. But for a team member who values balance in his life, this can be the key motivator. He might not be willing to put in six weeks of extra-long days for a bonus or recognition, but he will do it in exchange for flex-time to be with his family or enjoy his hobbies. He won’t consistently work extra hours for bonuses or overtime, like the money-motivated members. But he’ll give his best when he commits.

Prizes: This motivator is pretty similar to good old-fashioned money, but there’s a difference. A woman might work much harder for a nice company car than for a car allowance because she has something to show off. A man might work towards a possible ten thousand dollar bonus, thinking the money will pay off a loan or go towards a home improvement project. But offer him the exact same value as a trip for the family to Hawaii and you might see amazing effort. The prize is exciting and it’s shared, so the family gets into the enthusiasm. By the way, you’ll be able to tell the difference immediately. The money-motivated will grouse and ask, “Can’t I just get the cash?”

The Cause: You’ll find this motivator in many fields, not just with volunteers or non-profit employees. Shauna volunteers another hour each week because there’s a waiting list of children in the reading program. Ted puts in weeks of long hours to be sure the agency gets the grant that will serve the elderly. Janet goes above and beyond on the marketing campaign because she wants her company’s shoe sales to beat their top competitor for the first time in history. The big warning—The motivation has to be built-in. Otherwise, people say “yes” out of guilt and then burn out.